Thursday, March 24, 2005

I need to grow up.

I’ve been implementing the “Getting Things Done” productivity system. It’s helped me in some ways, but I’m still not very productive in the evenings. I may accomplish one or two little tasks—cleaning the bathrooms, writing a bit—but that seems marginal considering that I have a good two or three hours per night to do things.

I’m sure that this is at least partly due to maturity. I get home, and I relax for awhile, and then my inner ten-year-old whines, “I don’t wanna do anything except lay here on the couch and surf the web!” To some extent, I realize the importance of recognizing that as a legitimate physical response. If I feel tired, maybe that’s because I’m tired.

[A tree I photographed]

On the other hand, often I do have the energy to do things; I just can’t bring myself to do them. I’m not physically tired; I just can’t get up the gumption to do much of anything.

Which raises an interesting question: How can I grow myself up?

I’m willing to train myself to be more mature. But how do I do that?

On further thought—and I can tell this is going to be an update that wanders without any satisfactory shape—I wonder if I just don’t want to make a choice. I do dislike making choices. Taking the road less traveled means that I can’t experience the more-traveled one. Sometimes, I can hear the voice in the back of my mind whispering, “If you just put this off a little while, you may be able to make a better decision later!”

But of course, that’s almost never true. Time gives us experience, yes, but it also gives us greater complexity. I may be more informed tomorrow…but I’ll also have more to do (because something else will need to be done then).

I don’t fear failure. I fear that success will keep me from experiences other than that particular success.

Or maybe I have a completely different issue, and I’m barking up the wrong tree.

(Speaking of trees, the photo that accompanies this entry shows a tree near work. It looked interesting to me, a stark, bare tree against the rolling grey clouds. Very atmospheric.)

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