Tuesday, July 15, 2003

I’ve had a very interesting life lately. Things are going well; my spiritual life is improving dramatically, I can at least recognize the routine my life is supposed to be in now, in my spare time I do things that I have great joy doing, I have a good job, and though I live in Moria, just outside the door is an absolutely beautiful garden that’s been in full glorious bloom for the past several weeks. I’m content.

Except, lately, I haven’t been able to be content. This is partly due to my completely screwy sleep patterns, which haven’t improved (though deep thanks to all you who’ve written encouraging notes about it). I’m still not going to sleep until after midnight, and getting to work around 10:00 a.m. I’ve e-mailed my superiors about this, and they seem fine with it, but it’s still unnatural. I’ve started taking sleeping pills, too, so hopefully those will help me get through this hump.

But beyond that, I’ve been in an unusual place spiritually. I’ve been…okay, this is going to look nutty. But it’s true.

I think God may be telling me to quit my job at NLX and become a writer. Not eventually. Now. I feel like I shouldn’t be working at NLX; I should be writing and/or animating. I should be working from home, on these things that I enjoy doing, and that I’m pretty darn good at.

Now, I can see the wish fulfillment fantasy in there. But I am content with my job at NLX. It’s frustrating and hard sometimes, but I’ve dealt with those feelings, and I’ve reached a point where I enjoy it and I’m fundamentally content with it.

If this were an occasional fantasy, I wouldn’t pay it any attention. But it keeps coming back. People talk about following your dreams and doing what you feel you should, and it hits me like a punch to the jaw. I feel convicted.

But it’s crazy, I keep telling myself. I have no savings to fall back on, other than my 401(k). To strike out on my own, to just stop and do that thing that I think I’m supposed to do….

…wouldn’t that be just like those inspirational stories? I would not be the first person to chuck it all and just forge ahead regardless of the consequences.

I’m not ready to quit my job. But I keep asking myself: Since I believe that people should follow their dreams, why don’t I?